Years ago, my sister Lorraine showed me a list of the “Best Worst Country Music Song Titles” and I laughed until I had to change my underwear.
There were some real funny gems on this list (and these are all songs that have been copyrighted and recorded):
“Take Your Tongue Out of My Mouth, ‘Cause I’m Kissing You Goodbye”
and
“She Made Tooth Picks Out Of The Timbers Of My Heart”
and
“If You Don’t Leave Me, I’ll Find Someone Who Will”
Genius.
So I thought “What if someone never married because they thought their marriage would be as bad as the country songs describe?”
So I wrote this song.
WHY I NEVER GOT MARRIED (I BLAME COUNTRY MUSIC)
Some one asked me why I never wed
Never walked down the aisle or shared a wedding bed
I was too scared to say “I Do” because of what I heard
On the country music radio and these terrifying words
The songs said:
“Get Your Tongue Out of My Mouth “Cause I’m Kissing You Goodbye”
“All I Want From You Is Away”
“I Flushed You From The Toilets Of My Heart”
“She Got The Gold Mine, I Got The Shaft”
and the radio played
“She Made Tooth Picks Out Of The Timbers Of My Heart”
“If You Don’t Leave Me, I’ll Find Someone Who Will”
“You Done Tore Out My Heart and Stomped That Sucker Flat”
“My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend, And I Sure Do Miss Him”
and I heard
“I Gave Her The Ring, And She Gave Me The Finger”
“If Fingerprints Showed Up On Skin, I Wonder Whose I’d Find On You?”
“I Want A Beer As Cold As My Ex-Wife’s Heart”
“Is It Cold In Here, Or Is It Just You?”
Is it any wonder that I never got married
You understand why I never got married
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